If you’re looking to our culture for advice or guidance on dating and relationships, you might just find that you end up living with a lot of regret. Back in the day, people used to get relationship advice from people they knew and respected- people they considered to be wise- people who had been married for years and had managed to stay together and work at their relationship when others would have bailed.
Where do we get our relationship advice today? Are the people we listen to examples of "relationship success stories"? Probably not so much.
Maybe you’re getting advice from friends who might be lovely, well-meaning people, but are just as confused as everyone else? Maybe you’re learning about dating and relationships from media--- like those horrible magazines you find near the cash at the grocery store, song lyrics and music videos, Netflix shows or movies, or from celebrity culture?
Most of the entertainment we watch/listen to doesn’t really depict what a real-life, healthy relationship is like. It’s usually depicted as super-glamorous (like something out of a fairy tale), where the couple sleeps together 5 minutes after meeting in a bar (which is actually super unwise and even dangerous) and then they go on to live happily ever after! The music and videos that are getting the most hits are usually full of content where women are depicted as objects and where women are lovingly called some pretty despicable names! Our celebrities (the people who our culture seems to idolize the most) jump from relationship to relationship with marriages barely ever lasting. While their lifestyle might look glamorous (and believe me, they WANT you to believe that), the reality is that they're not happy. We constantly see stories of celebs who are addicted to drugs or alcohol, who commit suicide, who are dealing with mental health issues, who have their hearts broken over and over again, who have kids and go through painful divorces, and who have the person they loved and trusted cheat on them.
Maybe, just maybe we’re learning about relationships from the wrong source? Maybe, just maybe, we need to look to what God has to say? After all—GOD INVENTED LOVE--- HE WAS THE VERY FIRST MATCHMAKER! HE CREATED US AND KNOWS AND WANTS THE BEST FOR US!
Tonight, we watched a clip from an online dating show called VERSUS 1. In it, a girl interviewed a bunch of guys without seeing them, and then eliminated them one-by-one until there was just one person left who seemed like the best match for them! What's really cool about that clip is that:
It actually stands out from what’s normal in our culture (where hotness and physical attractiveness is viewed as the most important thing in a relationship). IT’S A BLIND INTERVIEW! It’s completely different from shows like the BACHELOR where a guy chooses girls to date based on their looks and make-out abilities. The girl in the video clip isn’t making the choice based on superficial stuff—like how dreamy the guy’s hair is. Now, that’s not saying that being physically attracted to someone isn’t important…but it’s not EVERYTHING. It's not what's MOST important. If you were dating and your boyfriend/girlfriend decided to leave you because you got a scar in an accident, wouldn’t that just seem insanely superficial and gross? Wouldn’t that be a horrifying reason to break up? I think we all know deep down inside that love, romance, and relationships has to be more than just physical attraction and hotness. There are, after all, a lot of people who are beautiful on the outside, but kind of ugly on the inside.
The second thing that I think is pretty cool about the dating show is that she’s putting some thought into the kinds of people she wants to date! There’s a bit of an interview process going on! It’s really important that you put a bit of thought and effort into who it is that you choose to date and why you want to date them. You should be picky! You should have some standards! A person being “into you” really isn’t a good enough reason to date them! You’re worth more than that!
Tonight, we focused on the MOST IMPORTANT THING we should consider before dating someone, and we did it, by looking at one of the biggest DATING DISASTERS in the Bible, focusing on the story of Samson.
The Bible tells us that Samson was strong, not because he was hit with a gamma ray and got superpowers, and not even because he had magical hair--but because God made him supernaturally strong for a special mission—to free the Israelites from captivity! Before Samson was born, God told his mom about this special purpose he had for her son and that as a symbol of that, he shouldn’t cut his hair (that’s where the hair thing comes from).
Just to give you a bit of backstory--the nation of Israel had been captured by a despicable group of people called the Philistines and they were basically being treated as slaves, being mistreated and abused for 40 years—so God chose Samson to be the person to help rescue his people!
One thing you might not know about Samson though, is that he ended up becoming one of the biggest CREEPS in the Bible. He really isn't a hero that we should look up to. He was super vain and conceited, and he CONSTANTLY chose to disobey God and do whatever he wanted instead. Part of that involved making HORRIBLE dating choices!
“Samson went down to Timnah. There he saw a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he spoke to his father and mother. He said, “I’ve seen a Philistine woman in Timnah. Get her for me. I want her to be my wife.” His father and mother replied, “Isn’t there one among any of our people? Do you have to go to the Philistines to get a wife? They aren’t God’s people!... But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.” (Judges 14:1-3)
In these first few verses, we discover that Samson is kind of creepy. We also discover that he refused to listen to his parent’s advice. Because he didn't have high standards, he ended up getting engaged to this girl who didn’t share his faith and values…and I’m editing out some of the insane drama--- but she ended up running off with the best man at the wedding! It wasn't a great relationship.
Now, you might think that this would have taught Samson to make better choices when it came to who he became involved with….but you would be wrong. Just a chapter later we read that he went to visit a prostitute! After that, he fell in love with a woman that he didn't TRUST at all. In fact, she was deceiving him the whole time so that she could help the Philistines defeat him! Samson's relationship choices ended up costing him big time. Samson’s story ends pretty tragically. God had huge plans for him. God had chosen him to be the rescuer of his people….and yet Samson ended up blind and ultimately committing suicide. It's a really sad end to a life that had so much promise, and it all ended that way because he kept making terrible choices.
If there’s anything that Samson’s story tells us, it’s how important it is to make good dating choices!
Samson is one of the biggest creeps in the Bible….and part of his problem is that he wasn’t all that choosy when it came to who he chose to love! His parents even tried to be the voice of reason and reminded him that he should find a woman who shared his faith and values… but he totally ignored them! He was like a caveman! “Woman look good. Fetch her for me”. The guy didn’t have high standards at all—and because of that, he wasn’t just unhappy—but his life was a complete disaster!
WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DATING SOMEONE, YOU SHOULD FIRST MAKE SURE THAT THEY SHARE YOUR FAITH AND VALUES.
That's one of the most important dating tips we find in the Bible! It's something that we rarely hear mentioned when we see relationships in music or movies.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial (a false god)? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”
The first part of that verse talks about not being YOKED together with unbelievers. It has nothing to do with eggs—but it’s actually a farming metaphor (because in Bible times, everybody raised animals and farmed for a living--- they didn’t have grocery stores back then--- they needed to do it to survive)
Just to give you a bit of backstory--the nation of Israel had been captured by a despicable group of people called the Philistines and they were basically being treated as slaves, being mistreated and abused for 40 years—so God chose Samson to be the person to help rescue his people!
One thing you might not know about Samson though, is that he ended up becoming one of the biggest CREEPS in the Bible. He really isn't a hero that we should look up to. He was super vain and conceited, and he CONSTANTLY chose to disobey God and do whatever he wanted instead. Part of that involved making HORRIBLE dating choices!
“Samson went down to Timnah. There he saw a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he spoke to his father and mother. He said, “I’ve seen a Philistine woman in Timnah. Get her for me. I want her to be my wife.” His father and mother replied, “Isn’t there one among any of our people? Do you have to go to the Philistines to get a wife? They aren’t God’s people!... But Samson said to his father, “Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.” (Judges 14:1-3)
In these first few verses, we discover that Samson is kind of creepy. We also discover that he refused to listen to his parent’s advice. Because he didn't have high standards, he ended up getting engaged to this girl who didn’t share his faith and values…and I’m editing out some of the insane drama--- but she ended up running off with the best man at the wedding! It wasn't a great relationship.
Now, you might think that this would have taught Samson to make better choices when it came to who he became involved with….but you would be wrong. Just a chapter later we read that he went to visit a prostitute! After that, he fell in love with a woman that he didn't TRUST at all. In fact, she was deceiving him the whole time so that she could help the Philistines defeat him! Samson's relationship choices ended up costing him big time. Samson’s story ends pretty tragically. God had huge plans for him. God had chosen him to be the rescuer of his people….and yet Samson ended up blind and ultimately committing suicide. It's a really sad end to a life that had so much promise, and it all ended that way because he kept making terrible choices.
If there’s anything that Samson’s story tells us, it’s how important it is to make good dating choices!
Samson is one of the biggest creeps in the Bible….and part of his problem is that he wasn’t all that choosy when it came to who he chose to love! His parents even tried to be the voice of reason and reminded him that he should find a woman who shared his faith and values… but he totally ignored them! He was like a caveman! “Woman look good. Fetch her for me”. The guy didn’t have high standards at all—and because of that, he wasn’t just unhappy—but his life was a complete disaster!
WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DATING SOMEONE, YOU SHOULD FIRST MAKE SURE THAT THEY SHARE YOUR FAITH AND VALUES.
That's one of the most important dating tips we find in the Bible! It's something that we rarely hear mentioned when we see relationships in music or movies.
2 Corinthians 6:14-15 says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial (a false god)? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?”
The first part of that verse talks about not being YOKED together with unbelievers. It has nothing to do with eggs—but it’s actually a farming metaphor (because in Bible times, everybody raised animals and farmed for a living--- they didn’t have grocery stores back then--- they needed to do it to survive)
A yoke is a farming tool that was used to help make it easier for animals to pull heavy loads and till the ground—for example--- in the above picture, there are two oxes who are yoked together. The yoke not only helps them distribute the weight of what they’re carrying better, but it helps them work together as a team! They’re headed in the same direction. They’ve got the same goal! So here, the Bible is saying that if one ox wants to go in a different direction and is fighting against the yoke, you've got some major problems!
To use a modern illustration—have you ever gone canoeing before? The secret to canoeing (when you’ve got two people in the boat) is that you have to work together with the other person so that you’re dipping the oar into the water at the same time, and you’re rowing in perfect timing. I shared about how my kids often play a video game that has them rowing in the same boat, and it's pretty hilarious to watch. They’re arguing and fighting the whole time! They row against each other! When one kid wants to go one way, the other is rowing in the opposite direction! Usually, they get stuck going around in circles or floating out-of-bounds because they haven’t realized that you can’t row on the same side of the boat!
To use a modern illustration—have you ever gone canoeing before? The secret to canoeing (when you’ve got two people in the boat) is that you have to work together with the other person so that you’re dipping the oar into the water at the same time, and you’re rowing in perfect timing. I shared about how my kids often play a video game that has them rowing in the same boat, and it's pretty hilarious to watch. They’re arguing and fighting the whole time! They row against each other! When one kid wants to go one way, the other is rowing in the opposite direction! Usually, they get stuck going around in circles or floating out-of-bounds because they haven’t realized that you can’t row on the same side of the boat!
This is actually a pretty decent analogy for dating and relationships! It’s SUPER IMPORTANT that you’re in a relationship with someone who shares your values, and especially someone who shares YOUR FAITH IN GOD! You want to find someone who is your partner and teammate in life instead of someone who is trying to go in a different direction or has different values and priorities.
There are no guarantees in life that, after you use a lot of wisdom and are selective in choosing someone to date or marry, life will be a fairytale and it won’t end in failure. Dating and relationships is RISKY stuff. It means risking that you might get hurt! It means making yourself super vulnerable!
But all that said, your relationship has a FAR greater chance of success if you choose someone who loves and follows Jesus and who can encourage you and help you grow in your faith, so that you’re on the same team and heading in the same direction instead of steering each other in opposite directions! Statistically, couples who consider themselves to be happier, have less problems in marriage, and are less likely to go through divorce are ones who both consider themselves to be committed Christians and are a regular part of church community. Again, that’s not a guarantee—but dating/marrying someone who shares your faith and values gives you a far better chance at having a healthy and strong relationship!
For Samson, he wasn’t someone who really took following God all that seriously in the first place, but then he made some HUGE dating mistakes by choosing people based on their looks instead of who they were as people or whether or not they shared his values and faith in God--- and it ruined his life! God doesn’t want that for any of us! He wants us to find a real teammate—someone who is a real help and strength to us! So use wisdom! Be picky! Make it a priority to date someone who shares your values and your faith!
DISCUSSION FOR HOME
1. What are some important qualities that your teen feels are essential to someone they might date?
2. What are some potential problems that might result if you rush into a relationship without putting some thought into it or listening to wise advice?
3. Watch one of the shows/movies your teen likes with them (particularly if it focuses on relationships). Does it teach us anything about relationships? What are some of the positives/negatives to how it portrays relationships?
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